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Saturday, December 10, 2016

Cherokee Nation OKs same-sex marriage

5:00 PM Bilal Muazin No comments

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Brittany Nunley and Kelli King were surprised and pleased with the opinion
Cherokee Nation law enacted in 2004 has banned same-sex marriage

A ban on same-sex marriage involving members of the Cherokee Nation was overturned by the tribe's attorney general in an opinion issued Friday.

King called her girlfriend, Brittany Nunley, who is Cherokee and shared the good news.

"I think its awesome," Nunley told CNN. "I have been really proud of my Cherokee heritage and to be able to get a marriage license is just awesome."

King, who said the couple met at a church softball game about four and half years ago, said she was excited to hear about the ruling.

"This is just another way we can incorporate her heritage into our lives and are thankful for opportunity," King said.

Attorney General Todd Hembree's opinion specifically says two sections of the 2004 Cherokee Nation Marriage and Family Act are unconstitutional.

He said the tribe's constitution protects certain fundamental rights, among them the right to marry.

"The constitution affords these rights to all Cherokee citizens, regardless of sexual orientation and the Cherokee Nation, or any subdivision, must recognize validly issued civil unions, same-sex marriages, and same-sex domestic partnerships from other jurisdictions," the opinion says.

The US Supreme Court ruled by a 5-4 vote in June 2015 that states cannot ban same-sex marriage.

Nunley said after it became legal in Oklahoma in 2014 and then nationwide through the landmark Supreme Court decision, she wondered whether the Cherokee Nation would also reverse itself.

"I was really excited and really proud to be a Cherokee. Like my nation is doing something for all its people," she said from her home in Locust Grove, about 20 minutes from the tribe's headquarters in Tahlequah.

Marriage is definitely in their future, King said. It's been discussed in the past but they wanted to wait for it to be legal.

"It's probably not too far off now," she said.

Nunley said she's just waiting for someone to pop the question.

The man who was chief in 2004 told the Tulsa World newspaper that he supported Hembree's opinion.

"It was adhering to past Cherokee law," Chad Smith said, explaining why he signed the law 12 years ago. "But our constitution incorporates the provisions of the US Constitution, and the Supreme Court (of the United States) has since made its ruling."

A member of the tribal council disagreed with the decision and told the newspaper that he expected the council would still support the 2004 law.

"We'll have to get together and talk about it," Don Garvin told the newspaper.

The Cherokee Nation website says that with more than 317,000 citizens, it is the largest sovereign tribal nation in the United States.

CNN's Mayra Cuevas contributed to this report.

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Porn, Sex And Marriage: What's OK, And What Isn't? : NPR

5:00 PM Bilal Muazin No comments

Warning: Today's post deals with sexual content and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

Dear Sugar Radio is a weekly podcast from member station WBUR. Hosts Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed offer "radical empathy" and advice on everything from relationships and parenthood to dealing with drug problems or anxiety.

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Courtesy of WBUR

Today they're delving into the adult topics of pornography and masturbation. A man says he masturbates regularly while watching pornography but still maintains a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. But he is still "troubled" by the notion that the porn industry is exploitative of performers, and questions whether it is morally acceptable to fantasize about women other than his wife.

To help in their discussion of these topics, the Sugars are joined by Wendy Maltz, sex therapist and co-author of The Porn Trap.

Dear Sugars,

Is it bad to masturbate to online porn? I am a happily married man in my mid-50s, and have been married for 15 years to a wonderful woman. We have a satisfying sex life, having sex approximately once every week.

However, I go online to masturbate to porn about three times a week. I work from home and find that I become sexually turned on during the working day. I look at masturbation as a healthy release. Viewing online porn allows me to accomplish the "task" more quickly and get back to work.

That other purveyor of personal wisdom, Dr. Phil, advises that watching porn is an immoral betrayal of a marital partner and says the women in porn videos are likely to have been abused as children and are being exploited. I have a teenage daughter and avoid videos of young girls, preferring age-appropriate subjects in the so-called "mature" category. I also avoid watching porn up to 24 hours before I am likely to have a date with my wife in order to be able to enjoy and contribute to our sex together.

Can Men And Women Be Friends Without Benefits?

My wife knows that I look at porn. While we don't discuss it, she doesn't feel that it is a betrayal of her. I look at viewing porn as an extension of masturbation, which I believe is healthy and a necessary release, one that is as private as going to the bathroom. If not for porn, I would still masturbate. I doubt Dr. Phil believes that masturbation is immoral. Is masturbating while fantasizing about someone besides my wife immoral? Assuming that online porn is the problem, is it possible that you can make distinctions?

I know that many of the women on porn sites are probably psychologically damaged in some way, and that the pornography industry may be contributing to that damage. On the other hand, is it possible that accepting money for video sex is not always exploitative? Is it possible that some of the women who perform in online sex videos do it out of a healthy appreciation of sex?

Signed,

Troubled by Porn

Steve Almond: I could have written this letter, and I felt a great sense of sympathy for this guy who's trying to figure out the same questions I struggle with when I bother to even struggle with them: Am I complicit in something that is very clearly against my moral code? In what ways? And what are my other alternatives?

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Jennie Baker Photography/Courtesy of WBUR

Follow the Sugars on Twitter @dearsugarradio.

Jennie Baker Photography/Courtesy of WBUR

I think he is in a productive state of bewilderment, and I think most of the men of conscience who consume porn in one way or another are either suppressing this set of questions or are struggling with them. The porn industry is like football or like meat or like fossil fuels â€" it's essentially exploitative. But because I have a libido that operates differently than my wife's, I get horny and I want relief. I lament that I no longer sit there and do the imaginative work of masturbating without porn. There are a lot of people who aren't even grappling with the ways in which pornography is an ethical concern because, frankly, people don't want porn served with a side dish of ethics.

Wendy Maltz: I have a lot of respect for the man who wrote this letter. He's really thinking about his relationship to porn and trying to figure it out. He doesn't have the secrecy and shame element going on that a lot of people have with porn. But there's something happening â€" he's starting to question it. I can't say if his porn use in particular is a good thing or a bad thing. It's so personal. People have ask themselves, "What does porn mean to me? What is it doing to me? Where's it taking me?"

Cheryl Strayed: What do you mean when you say "Where's it taking me?" Do you mean to suggest that, in some ways, his porn use could be robbing his marriage of a sort of intimacy that it might have if he didn't use it?

Wendy: Porn is a very powerful product. It's like nothing we've ever seen before. There's a conditioning process associated with porn. It can become a stronger habit. Our sexual arousal response gets patterned to particular cues, and those cues can be the images in porn or they can be the smell of a lover's neck. Images are very powerful, so porn could be affecting the intimacy he has with his wife in ways he's not even aware of. He says porn is not an issue in his marriage, but he and his wife aren't really talking about its place in their relationship either.

Steve: There's a kind of "don't-ask-don't-tell" policy when it comes to porn in relationships. Pornography, predominantly for men, is a little secret cavern â€" it's a place we go, even if we're in happy, deeply communicative relationships, as it seems this guy is.

Cheryl: Part of my response to this letter is that there's nothing wrong. This guy wants to have an orgasm about four times a week. Presumably, if his wife wanted to have sex more, she would be making advances towards him. And he has a different sex drive than she does, and so he just takes care of himself. He doesn't need to tell his wife. There is such thing as privacy, even when you're married to somebody. Wendy, is this inherently a bad setup, or are you thinking, well clearly, because he's asking these questions, he's not entirely comfortable with it?

Wendy: From a clinical perspective, we're not talking about someone who is disassociated or who uses porn in lieu of sex, but there's something going on for him â€" he signed his letter "Troubled by Porn." One of the things that I wonder about is, why does he use porn a lot while he's working? Is sexual release a way of dealing with stress for him? Maybe he's not feeling as productive or as recognized in his field as he'd like to be? Has porn become a way that he self-soothes? And if so, is that at the expense of learning other ways to take care of himself â€" reaching out to a real person or going for a run?

The other thing is his age. Being a man in his mid-50s, it can take a little longer to get sexually aroused. The erections aren't as firm. Sex can become a little bit more laborious in terms of functioning, but under usual circumstances, that's offset by really good communication with a partner you've been with for years.

Cheryl: Or by a sense of humor â€" that sex doesn't have to be a performance. It doesn't always have to equal orgasm. It's a sensual exchange of pleasure and communication.

Wendy: And there's this wonderful growth that a couple can have. I've been married for nearly 40 years now, but I had a rough beginning as a sexual person. I've now experienced what it's like to be in a long-term relationship where you don't have a heavy influence of porn and where you can really work with your partner and learn with your partner and grow with your partner sexually. I think a lot of couples are missing out on that growth.

Steve: Troubled by Porn, you've reached a moment where you have to ask yourself, "What is the meaning of porn for me? And if I'm unsettled, do I need to start having the difficult, but necessary, discussion with my wife to say, 'I feel greater desire and I want it to be toward you. I want to find a better balance between my porn use and our sex life together.' "

You can get more advice from the Sugars each week on >Dear Sugar Radio from WBUR. Listen to the full episode to hear more about how porn can affect relationships.

Have a question for the Sugars? Email dearsugarradio@gmail.com and it may be answered on a future episode.

You can also listen to Dear Sugar Radio on >iTunes, >Stitcher or your favorite podcast app.

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Friday, December 9, 2016

How to Get Back to Having Sex After Pregnancy

11:00 AM Bilal Muazin No comments

PHOTO: NBC via Getty Images

My husbandâ€™s been totally focused on our baby since she was born six months ago. I love that heâ€™s a great dad, but now that we have a parenting routine, I could use a little more loving myself. How can I get him to bring back the romance and sex?
â€"K.M., 28, Boston

â€œThis is a super-common issueâ€"we hear about it a lot from women, but even for men it takes a while for sex to come back on the table after a baby. Talk with your husband about what you both need and are available for. Sex? Kissing? Cuddling? Nothing? Just go step-by-step. To go from nothing, where you probably have been for several months, all the way to sex can be overwhelming. Also, in my mind, a big date night with expectations to have sex at the end is a terrible idea; it just adds pressure. Do something relaxing that feels really authentic and good.â€

â€"Lindsay Chrisler, a dating and relationship coach in New York City

â€œMen are simple. If you want sex, tell him. Not: â€˜Iâ€™d like more sex in this relationship.â€™ Get in bed and shoot him a text that says, â€˜Sex?â€™ If he declines, make him pick a new day and time. And maybe you need to redefine what constitutes sex and romance now that you have a kid. If you expect a carriage ride before you get busy, I can see why your husband might pass. But if youâ€™re like most married couples, all you need is 15 minutes and a door that locks. Figure out what works for you, but figure it out together.â€

â€"James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of four

â€œThe first step wonâ€™t be sex. Itâ€™ll be reconnecting as a couple. Think back to before the baby: What did you talk about and do? Make sure youâ€™re having those adult Âconvos and doing those activities. There are a lot of possibilities for why heâ€™s acting differently. Seeing the vagina during delivery can be a little traumatic, or he may be fatigued from child care, or afraid of getting you pregnant again. These holdups tend to be temporary, so delve into how youâ€™re both feeling, listen, and validateâ€"the physical stuff follows.â€

â€"Katharine Oâ€™Connell White, M.D., an ob-gyn in Boston

â€œWhat a great problem to have! Itâ€™s all based in love, so try to look at this from a place of gratitude: So many fathers struggle to connect with their babies, but he doesnâ€™t. In my experience the healthiest families are made up of couples who take care of each other and then take care of the childrenâ€™s needs. But in the first year all bets are offâ€"itâ€™s survival mode. I know that youâ€™re feeling hurt and scared that things will never go back to normal, but trust me, heâ€™ll come back. You have things the baby doesnâ€™t!â€

â€"Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Love Warrior

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Your birth control could be affecting your sex life and how faithful you are to your partner... and it's not good news

10:00 AM Bilal Muazin No comments

Sex education

According to a Norwegian University and the University of New Mexico your pill can impact more than just your period

BIRTH control could be affecting more than just when your period comes new research claims it can also have an impact on your sex life and how faithful you are.

A study conducted by the the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) and University of New Mexico found that your type of pill can make you more likely to stray away.

New research has revealed that your birth control could be impacting your sex life and faithfulness

Getty Images

New research by the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) and University of New Mexico has revealed that your birth control could be impacting your sex life and faithfulness

Researchers surveyed 274 straight university females, who lived in Norway and were were all in relationships about their sex life in the past week.

The questionnaire also asked how committed and loyal they were to their partners and which particularly type of contraceptive pill they used.

On the whole, women who were more faithful to their partners had sex more often but this was especially common with those too the pill which contained lowered oestrogen levels and high progesterone.

Getty Images

On the whole, the research found women who were more faithful to their partners had sex more often

While those on birth control with high oestrogen and lowÂ progesterone had sex more often when they didnâ€™t feel loyal to their partners.

However, the effect only existed for penetrative sex with a penis not solo sex or any other type of partner.

The researchers also conducted another study which surveyed 112 women every week for three months to find out more about their hormones and behaviour over time.

The results once again revealed that less oestrogen and more progesterone were linked with frequency or sex and commitment but there was no difference with perceived loyalty.

The findings supported the theory that women initiate sex more when they have high progesterone levels Â but only if the feel serious about their relationship.

NTNU psychology professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair said in a press releaseâ€œThe function of sex in humans outside ovulation is an evolutionary mystery.

â€œBut we believe that it has to do with binding the parties in the relationship together.â€

The Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) and University of New Mexico conducted a survey which found that women who were on high levels of progesterone pills were more loyal and had sex more with their partner

Getty Images

But the survey found that women who were on high levels of progesterone pills were more loyal and had sex more with their partner

Overall, the study helped reveal more about how birth control affects our sex lives and shed some light on how it might impact our relationships.

â€œPrevious workâ€¦indicates that the initiation or termination of birth control usage during a relationship can have consequences for womenâ€™s relationship satisfaction,â€ the researchers concluded.

â€œOur findings suggest that the type of hormonal contraceptive women select may affect sexual behaviour with partners.â€

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Post-Election, Survivors Of Assault Are Struggling To Have Sex Again

4:00 PM Bilal Muazin No comments

After the now infamous recording of President-elect Donald Trump bragging about grabbing women by the pussy came out, Anna*, 33, went to her Facebook page to share her story. In high school, she had been raped by her boyfriend, and in that moment, she wanted people to know.

â€œI didnâ€™t say anyoneâ€™s name, I just said I had been raped and I was a domestic violence and sexual assault survivor, and why it bothered me so much what Trump had said,â€ Anna told The Huffington Post. â€œI said, this is not just locker room talk. This happens to people, and this happened to me.â€

After posting,Â Anna felt great. She heard from several women who shared their own stories and she helped connect them to resources. But then her ex-boyfriend reached out, saying he was going to sue her â€• at the the same moment Trump was threatening to sue his accusers. It was an unsettling parallel Anna could not quite wrap her head around, and she was anxious for the election to be over.

â€œI kept wanting to think that Trump wouldnâ€™t get elected and our nation would say this kind of thing isnâ€™t OK,â€ Anna said. Since Trumpâ€™s win, she has been in a tailspin. For a week-and-a-half, she couldnâ€™t sleep. She still hasnâ€™t really been able to be intimate with her husband.

â€œSince Trumpâ€™s comment, weâ€™ve only had sex a couple of times,â€ she said, adding that she was going to meet with her doctor to talk about options. â€œI donâ€™t want to feel this way.â€Â

I had gotten to a point where I had taken my own power back from my rapist, and this felt like the American people telling me, "No, no. He still has more power over you." Ali, 28

The 2016 presidential campaign was difficult for many women, especially those who felt triggered by Trumpâ€™s so-called â€œlocker room talk,â€ and a string of allegations that heâ€™d groped and kissed women without their consent. But Trumpâ€™s win, they say, is even more difficult â€• not just a reminder of everything theyâ€™ve been through, but a minimizing of it. And it has left their sex lives in shambles.

â€œIt resurfaced a lot of past trauma that I had experienced about seven years ago when I was sexually assaulted,â€ Ali, 28, told The Huffington Post. â€œI had gotten to a point where I had taken my own power back from my rapist, and this felt like the American people telling me, â€˜No, no. He still has more power over you.â€™â€

Prior to Trumpâ€™s win, Ali had sex with her husband every other day. Now, theyâ€™ve been having sex maybe once a week â€• not nothing, but not the same. When they do have sex, Ali feels far less enthusiastic.Â

â€œIâ€™m just not as comfortable letting myself be sexual right now,â€ she said.

It is hardly a surprising reaction, says Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist and author of The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide For Survivors Of Sexual Abuse.

â€œHere, we have a really unprecedented situation where a person who has been identified as a sexual perpetrator by many women has been elevated to the highest position in the country,â€ she said. â€œFor many [people] whoâ€™ve been sexually abused, itâ€™s a huge shock.â€

Trumpâ€™s broader triggering effect has been well-documented. Soon after Trumpâ€™s â€œgrab them by the pussyâ€ tape came out,Â RAINNÂ â€•Â the sexual assault survivor nonprofit that runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline â€• saw call traffic increase by 33 percent. At one point during the campaign, 3,000 therapists signed a â€œmanifestoâ€ detailing the psychological toll they believed Trump was taking on their patients, everything from anxiety and fear to shame, Politico reports. One therapist who works with survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault told Slate sheâ€™d seen an uptick in patients calling for emergency counseling sessions, and experiencing flashbacks and an inability to go outside.Â

When I look at Donald Trump, I have this visceral reaction where I look at him as someone who actually sexually assaulted me. Jamie*, 31

But itâ€™s not just Trumpâ€™s behavior, Maltz said. Itâ€™s the feeling that many Americans simply didnâ€™t care enough about their experiences to vote against a sexual aggressor that has made it so challenging for women to be intimate again, even with trusted partners. And Maltz points to research that has found that â€œinstitutional betrayalâ€ â€• the kind that happens when a student reports an assault and his or her university fails to provide backup â€• can exacerbate trauma, leading to further anxiety, depression and sexual problems.

â€œThose results suggest that institutions â€• or in this situation, the election â€• has the power to cause additional harm to assault survivors in the form of sexual effects,â€ she said. Women can feel re-traumatized, Maltz added. They can project their feelings onto someone else, such as a partner or even Trump himself.

Thatâ€™s exactly what is happening to Jamie*, 31, who was date raped when she was 16.

â€œWhen I look at Donald Trump, I have this visceral reaction where I look at him as someone who actually sexually assaulted me,â€ she said. â€œIt has put me into this hole, where I donâ€™t feel like I want to be intimate with my live-in boyfriend of four years.â€ They have not had sex since the election, and she has no sexual appetite right now.

Jamie understands, of course, that Trump did not actually assault her â€• but she canâ€™t shake the feeling that she has been violated in some way.Â

â€œIâ€™ve never experienced looking at a stranger and having that kind of reaction,â€ she said. Jamie is hopeful she and her boyfriend will resume their sex life soon, but the thought of seeing Trumpâ€™s face every day for four years worries her.

â€œI just feel like, ugh. Dirty. Muddy,â€ Jamie said. â€œI feel like I was victimized.â€

* First names have been changed for privacy reasons.Â

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Saturday, December 10, 2016

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Friday, December 9, 2016

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