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Saturday, December 10, 2016

Porn, Sex And Marriage: What's OK, And What Isn't? : NPR

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Warning: Today's post deals with sexual content and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

Dear Sugar Radio is a weekly podcast from member station WBUR. Hosts Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed offer "radical empathy" and advice on everything from relationships and parenthood to dealing with drug problems or anxiety.

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Today they're delving into the adult topics of pornography and masturbation. A man says he masturbates regularly while watching pornography but still maintains a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. But he is still "troubled" by the notion that the porn industry is exploitative of performers, and questions whether it is morally acceptable to fantasize about women other than his wife.

To help in their discussion of these topics, the Sugars are joined by Wendy Maltz, sex therapist and co-author of The Porn Trap.

Dear Sugars,

Is it bad to masturbate to online porn? I am a happily married man in my mid-50s, and have been married for 15 years to a wonderful woman. We have a satisfying sex life, having sex approximately once every week.

However, I go online to masturbate to porn about three times a week. I work from home and find that I become sexually turned on during the working day. I look at masturbation as a healthy release. Viewing online porn allows me to accomplish the "task" more quickly and get back to work.

That other purveyor of personal wisdom, Dr. Phil, advises that watching porn is an immoral betrayal of a marital partner and says the women in porn videos are likely to have been abused as children and are being exploited. I have a teenage daughter and avoid videos of young girls, preferring age-appropriate subjects in the so-called "mature" category. I also avoid watching porn up to 24 hours before I am likely to have a date with my wife in order to be able to enjoy and contribute to our sex together.

Can Men And Women Be Friends Without Benefits?

My wife knows that I look at porn. While we don't discuss it, she doesn't feel that it is a betrayal of her. I look at viewing porn as an extension of masturbation, which I believe is healthy and a necessary release, one that is as private as going to the bathroom. If not for porn, I would still masturbate. I doubt Dr. Phil believes that masturbation is immoral. Is masturbating while fantasizing about someone besides my wife immoral? Assuming that online porn is the problem, is it possible that you can make distinctions?

I know that many of the women on porn sites are probably psychologically damaged in some way, and that the pornography industry may be contributing to that damage. On the other hand, is it possible that accepting money for video sex is not always exploitative? Is it possible that some of the women who perform in online sex videos do it out of a healthy appreciation of sex?

Signed,

Troubled by Porn

Steve Almond: I could have written this letter, and I felt a great sense of sympathy for this guy who's trying to figure out the same questions I struggle with when I bother to even struggle with them: Am I complicit in something that is very clearly against my moral code? In what ways? And what are my other alternatives?

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Follow the Sugars on Twitter @dearsugarradio.

Jennie Baker Photography/Courtesy of WBUR

I think he is in a productive state of bewilderment, and I think most of the men of conscience who consume porn in one way or another are either suppressing this set of questions or are struggling with them. The porn industry is like football or like meat or like fossil fuels â€" it's essentially exploitative. But because I have a libido that operates differently than my wife's, I get horny and I want relief. I lament that I no longer sit there and do the imaginative work of masturbating without porn. There are a lot of people who aren't even grappling with the ways in which pornography is an ethical concern because, frankly, people don't want porn served with a side dish of ethics.

Wendy Maltz: I have a lot of respect for the man who wrote this letter. He's really thinking about his relationship to porn and trying to figure it out. He doesn't have the secrecy and shame element going on that a lot of people have with porn. But there's something happening â€" he's starting to question it. I can't say if his porn use in particular is a good thing or a bad thing. It's so personal. People have ask themselves, "What does porn mean to me? What is it doing to me? Where's it taking me?"

Cheryl Strayed: What do you mean when you say "Where's it taking me?" Do you mean to suggest that, in some ways, his porn use could be robbing his marriage of a sort of intimacy that it might have if he didn't use it?

Wendy: Porn is a very powerful product. It's like nothing we've ever seen before. There's a conditioning process associated with porn. It can become a stronger habit. Our sexual arousal response gets patterned to particular cues, and those cues can be the images in porn or they can be the smell of a lover's neck. Images are very powerful, so porn could be affecting the intimacy he has with his wife in ways he's not even aware of. He says porn is not an issue in his marriage, but he and his wife aren't really talking about its place in their relationship either.

Steve: There's a kind of "don't-ask-don't-tell" policy when it comes to porn in relationships. Pornography, predominantly for men, is a little secret cavern â€" it's a place we go, even if we're in happy, deeply communicative relationships, as it seems this guy is.

Cheryl: Part of my response to this letter is that there's nothing wrong. This guy wants to have an orgasm about four times a week. Presumably, if his wife wanted to have sex more, she would be making advances towards him. And he has a different sex drive than she does, and so he just takes care of himself. He doesn't need to tell his wife. There is such thing as privacy, even when you're married to somebody. Wendy, is this inherently a bad setup, or are you thinking, well clearly, because he's asking these questions, he's not entirely comfortable with it?

Wendy: From a clinical perspective, we're not talking about someone who is disassociated or who uses porn in lieu of sex, but there's something going on for him â€" he signed his letter "Troubled by Porn." One of the things that I wonder about is, why does he use porn a lot while he's working? Is sexual release a way of dealing with stress for him? Maybe he's not feeling as productive or as recognized in his field as he'd like to be? Has porn become a way that he self-soothes? And if so, is that at the expense of learning other ways to take care of himself â€" reaching out to a real person or going for a run?

The other thing is his age. Being a man in his mid-50s, it can take a little longer to get sexually aroused. The erections aren't as firm. Sex can become a little bit more laborious in terms of functioning, but under usual circumstances, that's offset by really good communication with a partner you've been with for years.

Cheryl: Or by a sense of humor â€" that sex doesn't have to be a performance. It doesn't always have to equal orgasm. It's a sensual exchange of pleasure and communication.

Wendy: And there's this wonderful growth that a couple can have. I've been married for nearly 40 years now, but I had a rough beginning as a sexual person. I've now experienced what it's like to be in a long-term relationship where you don't have a heavy influence of porn and where you can really work with your partner and learn with your partner and grow with your partner sexually. I think a lot of couples are missing out on that growth.

Steve: Troubled by Porn, you've reached a moment where you have to ask yourself, "What is the meaning of porn for me? And if I'm unsettled, do I need to start having the difficult, but necessary, discussion with my wife to say, 'I feel greater desire and I want it to be toward you. I want to find a better balance between my porn use and our sex life together.' "

You can get more advice from the Sugars each week on >Dear Sugar Radio from WBUR. Listen to the full episode to hear more about how porn can affect relationships.

Have a question for the Sugars? Email dearsugarradio@gmail.com and it may be answered on a future episode.

You can also listen to Dear Sugar Radio on >iTunes, >Stitcher or your favorite podcast app.

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Thursday, December 8, 2016

Metropolitan police to investigate sexual abuse claims at London clubs | Football

3:30 PM Bilal Muazin No comments

The Metropolitan police has launched an investigation into historical sexual abuse claims involving London football clubs, becoming the 21st force across the country to have begun similar inquiries into teams in their areas.

Britainâ€™s largest police force said specialist officers would look into allegations of â€œnon-recentâ€ crimes, but refused to say which clubs it was investigating.

â€œWe take all the allegations we receive very seriously and they will be dealt with sensitively,â€ said DCS Ivan Balhatchet of the Metâ€™s sexual offences, exploitation and child abuse command. â€œAnyone who has been a victim of sexual abuse, whatever the circumstances, or has any relevant information should contact their local police or the NSPCC.â€

Football sex abuse scandal: how the story unfolded

According to police, more than 350 potential victims have come forward since the former Crewe defender Andy Woodward waived his right to anonymity to reveal in an interview with the Guardian that he had been a Âvictim of sexual abuse

Gary Johnson, the former player who was paid Â£50,000 by Chelsea not to go public with allegations that he was abused by their former chief scout Eddie Heath, has said that a personal apology from the clubâ€™s board, delivered in person on Wednesday, was â€œtoo little, too lateâ€.

Johnson was a member of Chelseaâ€™s first team from 1978 to 1981 after joining the club as an 11-year-old in 1970. The 57-year-old spoke out recently to say he was groomed from the age of 13 by Heath, who was chief scout from 1968 to 1979 and is now dead. Chelseaâ€™s insurers paid Â£50,000 in compensation, without liability, in return for a confidentiality clause.

Johnson told the BBC that the Â£50,000 he received was â€œnot enough for the pain and suffering Iâ€™ve hadâ€, adding: â€œIt [the abuse] took away my childhood â€" I can never get that back.â€

In Holyrood, Nicola Sturgeon resisted calls for the inquiry into historical child sexual abuse in Scotland to be widened to include football clubs, after the Scottish Labour leader, Kezia ÂDugdale, pressed her during first ministerâ€™s Âquestions about revelations of abuse in Scottish clubs.

The first minister said: â€œMy view is we should allow that inquiry to get on with its job and we should allow the police to get on with their job of investigating allegations of abuse in football.â€

Earlier, a former chief Âexecutive of the Scottish Football Association called for a separate inquiry as the revelÂations across the UK continued to mount. Gordon Smith told BBC Radioâ€™s Good Morning Scotland that an investigation into how clubs and national bodies had responded to allegations was needed.

â€œThere should be an inquiry, an inquiry into anybody who knew anything about this sort of thing,â€ he said. â€œIf this was happening at a club, what action did they take? Weâ€™re now finding out some of the cases down in England where the club tried to hush the situation, even paid a player money to not say anything about it.â€

The SFA has said it is part of a task force set up to coordinate complaints and information relating to child sexual abuse within football and that it is passing on all information it receives to Police Scotland.

Meanwhile, the Scottish Premiership club Patrick Thistle have admitted firing one of their employees in 1992 over abuse claims. The club disclosed that a former physiotherapist, named as John Hart, who died in 1995, was dismissed after the allegations came to light more than 20 years ago.

In a statement, the club denied any cover-up, stating: â€œThe current board and management knew nothing of this until an internal investigation uncovered it in the last few days. As a result, the club informed the SFA and Police Scotland.â€

This follows revelations concerning a former youth coach for Celtic, Hibernian and Falkirk football clubs, who was on Wednesday charged with a child sex offence and has been remanded in custody.

Jim McCafferty, who worked in football across the central belt of Scotland and in Ireland from the 1980s, was arrested in Belfast on Tuesday after presenting himself at a police station. He was charged with engaging in sexual activity with a child aged 13-16 between December 2011 and December 2014.

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Metropolitan police to investigate sexual abuse claims at London clubs | Football

12:30 PM Bilal Muazin No comments

Britainâ€™s largest police force has launched an investigation into sex abuse claims involving London football clubs.

The Metropolitan police said a team of specialist officers from its sexual offences, exploitation and child abuse command would probe allegations of â€œnon-recentâ€ crimes â€" but refused to say which clubs it was investigating.

â€œWe take all the allegations we receive very seriously and they will be dealt with sensitively,â€ said DCS Ivan Balhatchet, who is part of the Metâ€™s sexual offences, exploitation and child abuse command. â€œAnyone who has been a victim of sexual abuse, whatever the circumstances, or has any relevant information should contact their local police or the NSPCC.â€

Football sex abuse scandal: how the story unfolded

The Met are the 22nd police force to investigate historical claims of sexual abuse in football, joining: Devon and Cornwall, Warwickshire, Avon and Somerset, Essex, Norfolk, North Yorkshire, Dorset, Staffordshire, Greater Manchester, North Wales, Cambridgeshire, Hampshire, Cheshire, West Midlands, South Wales, Dyfed-Powys, Scotland Yard, Police Scotland, Northumbria Police, Derbyshire Constabulary and the Police Service of Northern Ireland.

More than 20 former footballers â€" including ex-youth players, trainees and professionals â€" have also come forward with allegations of abuse since former Crewe defender Andy Woodward waived his right to anonymity to say he was a victim of sexual abuse in an interview with the Guardian.

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FIFA boss Infantino wants â€˜zero toleranceâ€™ of sex abuse in football â€” RT Sport

6:00 AM Bilal Muazin No comments

FIFA President Gianni Infantino says there needs to be "zero tolerance" of child abuse in football, promising to investigate how the sport's governing body can prevent it happening.

English football has been rocked by a scandal over accusations of historical pedophile activity within the game, with police forces across the country dealing with an increasing number of claims.

Football clubs warned by governing body about alleged child abuser back in 1989

With the English Football Association (FA) also launching a review into the allegations, Infantino has insisted football must act swiftly to handle the issue.

"It has to be taken seriously - there must be zero tolerance from that point of view, from a football perspective, but also from a criminal perspective as well," Infantino told reporters in Singapore on Thursday, as reported by Reuters.

"Those who have been guilty of abusing children need to punished very seriously. They have to be out of football, that is without question, but also on the criminal side they need to be punished.

"There are not many worse things in life, not in football life but in life generally, than child abuse.â€

Police forces in at least 18 areas across Britain are currently investigating allegations made by 350 victims, with some cases dating back to the 1980s.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) has received around 1,000 reports to a telephone hotline, with Premier League clubs Southampton and Chelsea among those linked to the scandal.

Details about possible widespread abuse first came to light last month, when former Crewe Alexandra player Andy Woodward came forward to detail his abuse at the hands of pedophile former coach Barry Bennell.

The 62-year-old was charged at the end of November with eight offenses of sexual assault against a boy and is due to appear at South Cheshire Magistrates' Court on December 14.

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Metropolitan police to investigate sex abuse claims at London clubs | Football

5:30 AM Bilal Muazin No comments

Britainâ€™s largest police force has launched an investigation into sex abuse claims involving London football clubs.

Thank U Very Much for Reading this News

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