How to Get Back to Having Sex After Pregnancy

PHOTO: NBC via Getty Images

My husband’s been totally focused on our baby since she was born six months ago. I love that he’s a great dad, but now that we have a parenting routine, I could use a little more loving myself. How can I get him to bring back the romance and sex?
â€"K.M., 28, Boston

“This is a super-common issueâ€"we hear about it a lot from women, but even for men it takes a while for sex to come back on the table after a baby. Talk with your husband about what you both need and are available for. Sex? Kissing? Cuddling? Nothing? Just go step-by-step. To go from nothing, where you probably have been for several months, all the way to sex can be overwhelming. Also, in my mind, a big date night with expectations to have sex at the end is a terrible idea; it just adds pressure. Do something relaxing that feels really authentic and good.”

â€"Lindsay Chrisler, a dating and relationship coach in New York City

“Men are simple. If you want sex, tell him. Not: ‘I’d like more sex in this relationship.’ Get in bed and shoot him a text that says, ‘Sex?’ If he declines, make him pick a new day and time. And maybe you need to redefine what constitutes sex and romance now that you have a kid. If you expect a carriage ride before you get busy, I can see why your husband might pass. But if you’re like most married couples, all you need is 15 minutes and a door that locks. Figure out what works for you, but figure it out together.”

â€"James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of four

“The first step won’t be sex. It’ll be reconnecting as a couple. Think back to before the baby: What did you talk about and do? Make sure you’re having those adult ­convos and doing those activities. There are a lot of possibilities for why he’s acting differently. Seeing the vagina during delivery can be a little traumatic, or he may be fatigued from child care, or afraid of getting you pregnant again. These holdups tend to be temporary, so delve into how you’re both feeling, listen, and validateâ€"the physical stuff follows.”

â€"Katharine O’Connell White, M.D., an ob-gyn in Boston

“What a great problem to have! It’s all based in love, so try to look at this from a place of gratitude: So many fathers struggle to connect with their babies, but he doesn’t. In my experience the healthiest families are made up of couples who take care of each other and then take care of the children’s needs. But in the first year all bets are offâ€"it’s survival mode. I know that you’re feeling hurt and scared that things will never go back to normal, but trust me, he’ll come back. You have things the baby doesn’t!”

â€"Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Love Warrior

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Is sex addiction real? Maybe not, therapists say

Young couple kissing.(Photo: fotografixx, Getty Images)

Claiming a sex addiction may be a go-to for misbehaving celebrities and politicians, but from a science perspective there isn't enough study to prove sex addiction is real, according to a professional organization of sex educators and therapists.

There is not enough empirical evidence to classify sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental disorder, the The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) said in a statement to members last week. The organization said that current sex addiction therapy and counseling is not adequately informed by human sexuality and thus not supported as a standard practice by the organization.

While the organization is in no way saying that people don’t experience real physical, psychological and health consequences from their sexual urges, sex addiction is an “oversimplification of a complex area of human sexual behavior,” Douglas Braun-Harvey, a sexual health author and psychotherapist, said in a statement Dec.9.

“I think the most important thing to remember is that there are people who are suffering from their sexual behavior being out of control, but what ends up happening is that the suffering, the fear and the consequences it brings to their careers and families get prematurely and very quickly labeled sex addiction,” said Braun-Harvey, who is one of the authors of the AASECT statement.

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USA TODAY

Q & A: Is Anthony Weiner a sex addict?

AASECT certification is needed in many states to become a sexual counselor, according to the organization’s website. So the organization’s stance on sex addiction sends an important message, especially at a time when sex addiction therapy is constantly in the headlines.

In early November, former politician Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at a treatment facility that offers equine therapy for sex addiction, AP reported.  And a quick Google search shows sex addiction therapists and treatment facilities are plentiful.

Joseph Burgo, a clinical psychologist, and author of >The Narcissist You Know told USA TODAY in August that sex addiction is controversial for a number of reasons.

"When it's something like alcohol you are addicted to or drugs, that's one thing, but when it's food or sex, those are normal human needs, so it's more controversial," he said, adding that little research has been done on sex addiction.

"Addiction implies a biochemical basis, and there are not sufficient studies to demonstrate that," Burgo said.

Follow Mary Bowerman on Twitter: @MaryBowerman 

Read or Share this story: http://usat.ly/2h55WIi

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The child sex trade is booming in this Kenyan port city

Inside a tiny house outside the city of Mombasa on the Indian Ocean coast of Kenya, 11-year-old Sabina sits on a bed, one of her breasts exposed, a 2-year-old on her back.

With an effortless click, the girl shoots a jet of saliva through the gap between her two front teeth. It lands on the floor. Then she begins to talk as she shifts the toddler from her back to her bosom.

“The father of this child is a German tourist,” she said. “He impregnated me and left the country after his vacation. I was forced to drop out of school and take care of the child.”

Sabina is one among many children in this coastal region who have become mothers at too young an age. She and other girls, as well as underage boys, have left school to cater to men and women who pay them for sex.

And the market is booming: Child sex tourism has remained rampant in Mombasa, a port city, despite a spate of terror attacks in the past three years that have scared away package vacationers, crippling a vital tourism sector that contributes about 10 percent to Kenya’s gross domestic product.

European travelers especially have continued to fuel the trade. Many come to the city in search of girls aged between 12 and 18. The industry has made Kenya one of the world's hubs for child sex tourism, researchers say.

“We always believe that white men have money, so when they come here we hope that they will get us out of poverty,” said Sabina. “They give us a lot of money and sleep with us. We use the money to pay rent for our parents and buy food.”

Trace Kenya, a local nonprofit group that works with the United Nations to battle child trafficking, estimates there could be as many as 100,000 child sex workers in Mombasa. The trade extends up and down the coast to the seaside resort towns of Malindi and Diani, according to the NGO.

In a 2010 report â€" the most recent available â€" UNICEF released numbers on child trafficking in Kenya that revealed that almost a third of girls age 12 and younger in the Mombasa region were involved in prostitution. European men comprise half of the clients, the report said.

Sex tourism has been blamed in Kenya for increasing rates of school dropouts, poverty and illiteracy as school-age children skip class in pursuit of easy money. At the same time, poverty is the main driver behind child sex tourism, say experts. Some parents even urge their children to become involved.

Emily, a 16-year-old orphan, said she was forced into the business due to poverty and peer pressure. Her aunt encouraged her to engage in sex with white men to help pay family expenses. Emily is now infected with HIV.

“I have slept with different men, especially whites from Germany, Italy and the USA,” she said. “I regret it but I had no option [at] that time. I started the business at age 10, when a friend connected me to an Italian tourist who had visited the country for three months. I had nothing to eat and nowhere to sleep.”

Teenage boys and 20-something Kenyan men known as "beach boys" also hook up with older white women, usually Western tourists who have flown here specifically for sexual encounters.

Against a backdrop of dazzlingly white sand and the aquamarine sea at Jomo Kenyatta Public Beach, foreign women sip cocktails under bamboo shades. Young men approach them with compliments designed to break the ice.

“This is our work,” said Alex Mwalumba, a beach boy who said he’s 29 but looks much younger. “It’s very simple to lure a white woman. First, know the language she speaks. Secondly, tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. For the first time in years, she truly believes she is desirable.”

Mwalumba had few regrets.

“The money will begin to flow,” he said, referring to payments once a temporary relationship has begun. “Some [beach boys] have used the opportunity to build good houses and start businesses.”

But he warned that business sometimes can be risky.

“Some tourists end up either being robbed or murdered by beach boys in pursuit for money,” he noted. “Beach boys are not after love. They are after money. They sometime trick tourists to go to the room and rob them.”

Paul Adhoch, who heads child rights organization Trace Kenya, said prostitution has led to an increase in unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases among teenagers in Mombasa. It has also broken up families in the city, he said.

Trace Kenya is working to rescue girls from the sex trade and to end the practice in the Mombasa region. The NGO has rescued more than 10,000 children in the last seven years, putting them in shelters and making other arrangements for them to earn a living.

“We have rescued many children involved in sex tourism or those who were potentially likely to fall into it, more girls â€" for young men the number has been lower,” he said. “The police have done little to fight the vice. They have given tourists impunity despite having evidence against them.”

But Regional Police Chief Nelson Marwa says the government has done a lot to battle the practice, including warning tourists and parents against being involved in the business.

“We have put in place laws that will deal with such acts,” Marwa said. “Already we have arrested and charged parents, children and some tourists. We will also close all hotels that allow young girls and old tourists to check in together, and their licenses will be canceled.”

The real problem, Adhoch believes, is culture.

“There is a culture among parents and children that when you get yourself a white man, then you have gotten yourself out of poverty,” said Adhoch. “Tourists always take this advantage and will come here deliberately for that.”

But Sabina, who is still struggling to come to terms with her HIV-positive status, wants the government to do more to help girls in the local sex industry.

“The government should curb the practice by arresting tourists whose aim is to engage in sex with children and dump them afterward,” she said. “They are creating more poverty for young people here like me.”

Editor's note: The last names of children interviewed for this story have been withheld to protect their identities. Tonny Onyulo reported from Mombasa, Kenya.

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