How to Get Back to Having Sex After Pregnancy

PHOTO: NBC via Getty Images

My husband’s been totally focused on our baby since she was born six months ago. I love that he’s a great dad, but now that we have a parenting routine, I could use a little more loving myself. How can I get him to bring back the romance and sex?
â€"K.M., 28, Boston

“This is a super-common issueâ€"we hear about it a lot from women, but even for men it takes a while for sex to come back on the table after a baby. Talk with your husband about what you both need and are available for. Sex? Kissing? Cuddling? Nothing? Just go step-by-step. To go from nothing, where you probably have been for several months, all the way to sex can be overwhelming. Also, in my mind, a big date night with expectations to have sex at the end is a terrible idea; it just adds pressure. Do something relaxing that feels really authentic and good.”

â€"Lindsay Chrisler, a dating and relationship coach in New York City

“Men are simple. If you want sex, tell him. Not: ‘I’d like more sex in this relationship.’ Get in bed and shoot him a text that says, ‘Sex?’ If he declines, make him pick a new day and time. And maybe you need to redefine what constitutes sex and romance now that you have a kid. If you expect a carriage ride before you get busy, I can see why your husband might pass. But if you’re like most married couples, all you need is 15 minutes and a door that locks. Figure out what works for you, but figure it out together.”

â€"James Breakwell, a comedy writer and father of four

“The first step won’t be sex. It’ll be reconnecting as a couple. Think back to before the baby: What did you talk about and do? Make sure you’re having those adult ­convos and doing those activities. There are a lot of possibilities for why he’s acting differently. Seeing the vagina during delivery can be a little traumatic, or he may be fatigued from child care, or afraid of getting you pregnant again. These holdups tend to be temporary, so delve into how you’re both feeling, listen, and validateâ€"the physical stuff follows.”

â€"Katharine O’Connell White, M.D., an ob-gyn in Boston

“What a great problem to have! It’s all based in love, so try to look at this from a place of gratitude: So many fathers struggle to connect with their babies, but he doesn’t. In my experience the healthiest families are made up of couples who take care of each other and then take care of the children’s needs. But in the first year all bets are offâ€"it’s survival mode. I know that you’re feeling hurt and scared that things will never go back to normal, but trust me, he’ll come back. You have things the baby doesn’t!”

â€"Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Love Warrior

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X Factor's Matt Terry uses same sex couples for dance routine - is he up to something?

X Factor's Matt Terry made a lot of fans happy by using same sex dance couples this evening.

As he took to the stage to perform his take on Jess Glynne's Take Me Home, men were dancing with one another and so were women.

Those tuning in at home were delighted and quick to take to Twitter afterwards.

One wrote: "Love how they used same sex dancers on X factor."

X Factor's Matt Terry made a lot of fans happy by using same sex dance couples this evening (Photo: Splash)

Another then posted: "Same sex dancing couples. How delightful. #xfactor #mattterry.'

Moments later, a different viewer tweeted: "Big up to the same sex dance couples though #XFactor."

Shortly afterwards, another posted: "Living for these same sex dancers. #XFactor."

However, some viewers were suspicious as to why Matt decided to use same sex couples in his final perfomance.

Matt Terry's dancers on the X Factor (Photo: ITV)

One fan claimed: "NOPE! As if Matt just tried, so blatantly, to get the gay vote with same sex dancers! As if the gays won't all be voting for Saara #XFactor."

This year's X Factor king or queen will be crowned in tomorrow's live final.

Matt Terry's dancers on the X Factor (Photo: ITV)

Matt faces tough competition from Saara Alto and 5AM and one of the three remaining acts will be leaving the competition tonight.

*X factor returns to ITV tomorrow at 8pm

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Americans have been lying about the benefits of abstinence only education and the dangers of porn for decades — Quartz

Over the past few weeks, as the idea of a Trump presidency has gone from unthinkable joke to horrifying reality, I’ve heard a new term making the rounds, particularly among my friends in media. “We’re living in a post-truth era,” they tell me, citing Trump’s many lies and contradictions, the rise of fake news sites, and a growing distrust of the mainstream media as evidence that the American people are increasingly distanced from reality.

I think this is a fairly accurate assessment. But as someone who’s been writing and educating Americans about sex-related topics for over a decade, I can testify to the fact that we’ve been living in a “post-truth” era for years. Quite frankly, I’ve been dealing with a post-truth world for my entire career.

The easiest entry point for understanding America’s fuzzy relationship between sex and fact is the sad state of American sex education. According to the Guttmacher Institute, a mere 13 US states require sex education to be “medically accurate.” To put that in context, 39 states require HIV education to either stress or cover abstinence, in spite of the fact that there’s little proof that a focus on abstinence actually helps delay sex.

Indeed, America’s two-decade long love affair with abstinence-only education (which president Barack Obama has attempted to put an end to) feels like the epitome of “post-truth.” Study after study shows that abstinence-only education doesn’t reduce the rate of teen pregnancy, delay the age at which young people start having sex, or lower rates of STI transmission. But as long as telling kids not to have sex feels like the solution, these misguided lesson plans will likely persist. (In fact, it might actually get worse; president-elect Donald Trump and vice president-elect Mike Pence are not known for an enlightened outlook on sexuality. Pence once said on national television that condoms are “very, very poor protection” against STIs).

This aversion to the truth is much more than a failing of political conservatives. In my experience, liberals are just as willing to ignore the facts when it’s convenient to their larger narrative.

Over the years I’ve rolled my eyes at numerous acts of “journalism” that perpetuated half-truths and outright lies about the sex and porn industriesâ€"often in the supposed service of protecting women. >The Price of Pleasure, for exampleâ€"an anti-porn documentary created by NYU professor Chyng Sunâ€"misled many of its interview subjects and used manipulative editing to craft a vision of a ruthlessly exploitative porn industry that few porn performers recognize. A piece in The Atlantic once positioned double anal, an extreme sex act that even the most practiced porn performers need to warm up to, as a routine occurrence. And let’s not forget the New York Times’ own Nicholas Kristof, whose factually inaccurate writing has peddled numerous myths about sex work and who has positioned himself as a voice of authority in spite of numerous sex workers who’ve contested his version of the “truth.”

The topic of sex is vulnerable to this sort of misinformation for a number of reasons. It’s an intensely personal experience, and one most of us have some degree of experience with. This creates a personal sense of authorityâ€"even when we lack any facts or expertise beyond our own limited experience. Compounding this false confidence is the persistent taboo against public discussions of sexuality. Stigma around sex prevents us from openly and honestly discussing the topic, adding further fuel to the many “truthy” statements that circulate about human sexual experience.

A slumping news industry has coincided with the rise of social mediaâ€"a phenomenon that has made news consumption more individualized and created information bubbles that help reinforce what feels right over what’s actually true.While unfortunate, in this context it makes sense that we’re seeing a spread of inaccuracy in our discussions of politics, the environment, and other hot-button topics that have historically been more buffered from falsehoods than sex.

But if my work in sex education offers me a deeper understanding of the factors that encourage and enable a collective divorce from reality, it also gives me hope that post-truth isn’t a permanent state of being. If we stay committed to pursuing and promoting a reality-based vision of the world, it’s possible to overcome seemingly overwhelming odds.

On the same Tuesday that Trump secured the White House, California’s adult industry battled misinformation, ignorance, and a well-funded propaganda machine to defeat the egregious Proposition 60. Opposed by many health organizations and practically all of California’s adult film actors, the proposition would have violated worker privacy and potentially made it possible for regular Californians to sue porn producers if they believed actors weren’t wearing condoms. Around the globe, sex workers have banded together to make their voices and opinions heard, and are slowly chipping away at the post-truth ethos that’s oppressed their industry for decades (if not centuries).

And even though government-funded sex education is often mediocreâ€"if not outright harmfulâ€"a number of independent sources have harnessed the internet to provide smart, thoughtful, and fact-based sex education to young people around the globe. This is the lesson activists and politicians alike need to internalize in the age of Trump. With enough commitment, dedication, and persistence, the truth can ultimately win out.

Follow Lux on Twitter @luxalptraum. Learn how to write for Quartz Ideas. We welcome your comments at ideas@qz.com.

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NYLON · 16 Lingerie Sets For Wherever Your V-Day Plans Take You

NYLON · 16 Lingerie Sets For Wherever Your V-Day Plans Take You


My version of “adulting” happened when I began to invest in expensive lingerie. Following a heart-shattering breakup, I suddenly began to spend the money usually reserved for clothing (at the time for me, this typically meant fast fashion pieces reflecting the trend of the moment) on lingerie sets and bodysuits from the likes of La Perla, Kiki de Montparnasse, and Stella McCartney (usually scoured at sample sales and discount department stores like Nordstrom Rack, though). Having lost a sense of self after being with someone for many years, it felt critical to my well-being to regain some autonomy back. For me, that translated to wearing stunning pieces of lingerie that no one would ever see. While it may seem trivial as a healing process, buying lingerie had begun, and continues to this day, to be part of my self-care routine.
All to say, regardless of whether you’re single, dating around, or in a serious relationship, there is something incredibly self-indulgent about wearing beautiful lingerie underneath all those layers of winter clothes—especially come Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, we rounded up our favorite sets of the season for wherever February 13th (hi, Galentine’s Day) or 14th finds you, be it out with girlfriends or on a hot and steamy date or at a bed-in boycott of the capitalist machine that tries to commodify love. And no, the following sets are not only from the luxe likes of Fleur du Mal and Agent Provocateur (even though there are those, too). Instead, we’re featuring plenty of beautiful pieces that will not only not hurt your wallet, but also will have you feeling like the queen you are:
Ahead, our picks.


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SRC: https://nylon.com/articles/lingerie-sets-valentines-day-2018

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