Husband asks Mumsnet for advice on reviving his dwindling sex life

Who would you turn to if you were dissatisfied with your sex life?

One desperate husband asked Mumsnet for advice after he and his wife went from having sex twice a week to just once every six months after starting a family.

But some women were less than sympathetic towards the new father, who asked the mothers' forum how to broach the subject with his wife, with one telling him: 'You're not owed sex just because you want it.'

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The man turned to Mumsnet for advice on broaching the subject of more sex with his wife

PseudoDad said he and his wife have only had sex five times since their son was conceived almost two-and-a-half years ago - they used to have sex twice a week

User PseudoDad wrote on the site: 'Since our son was conceived 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. 

'Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.'

He said he wanted to broach the subject in a way that respected his 'wonderful' wife of six years, and asked: 'When is enough enough?'

His post received hundreds of replies, with women suggesting he do more housework, consider counselling, or simply 'accept that she might just not be interested right now'.

User AndShes Gone told the man it sounded as though he wasn't listening to his wife

Mumsnet user monkeysox was the first to reply when she asked him whether he was doing enough housework.  

PseudoDad replied to insist he does his share, but another mum told him to 'accept that she might just not be interested right now and you have to grit your teeth until she feels she wants it again.

'You're not owed sex just because you want it,' said BravoPanda. 

Another wrote: 'You're not listening. Sex is an action between 2 people. It's not you "giving her a break" or "waiting" for a year. And your "charm offensive" sounds fake or worse manipulative.'

Things began to cool down when a woman told the father that she could tell he was asking a 'genuine' question and admitted she'd struggle in his situation too

Mumsnet user Boundaries said: 'You can decide the relationship isn't for you, but the way you're talking? I'm not surprised your wife is backing off.' 

But others had a more sympathetic response to his dilemma, with one user writing: 'I can tell you're asking a genuine question and you want this to work out well.'

Ilovetorrentialrain suggested he pursue counselling or sex therapy.  

IcecreamRocks then said that despite not having the answer, they understood how he felt 

Honeylulu agreed the man was getting a 'hard time', adding that 'sex is the glue that binds a relationship together. 

'That intimacy is a form of communication that will not (or should not) be present in any other relationships you have.'  

"

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The child sex trade is booming in this Kenyan port city

Inside a tiny house outside the city of Mombasa on the Indian Ocean coast of Kenya, 11-year-old Sabina sits on a bed, one of her breasts exposed, a 2-year-old on her back.

With an effortless click, the girl shoots a jet of saliva through the gap between her two front teeth. It lands on the floor. Then she begins to talk as she shifts the toddler from her back to her bosom.

“The father of this child is a German tourist,” she said. “He impregnated me and left the country after his vacation. I was forced to drop out of school and take care of the child.”

Sabina is one among many children in this coastal region who have become mothers at too young an age. She and other girls, as well as underage boys, have left school to cater to men and women who pay them for sex.

And the market is booming: Child sex tourism has remained rampant in Mombasa, a port city, despite a spate of terror attacks in the past three years that have scared away package vacationers, crippling a vital tourism sector that contributes about 10 percent to Kenya’s gross domestic product.

European travelers especially have continued to fuel the trade. Many come to the city in search of girls aged between 12 and 18. The industry has made Kenya one of the world's hubs for child sex tourism, researchers say.

“We always believe that white men have money, so when they come here we hope that they will get us out of poverty,” said Sabina. “They give us a lot of money and sleep with us. We use the money to pay rent for our parents and buy food.”

Trace Kenya, a local nonprofit group that works with the United Nations to battle child trafficking, estimates there could be as many as 100,000 child sex workers in Mombasa. The trade extends up and down the coast to the seaside resort towns of Malindi and Diani, according to the NGO.

In a 2010 report â€" the most recent available â€" UNICEF released numbers on child trafficking in Kenya that revealed that almost a third of girls age 12 and younger in the Mombasa region were involved in prostitution. European men comprise half of the clients, the report said.

Sex tourism has been blamed in Kenya for increasing rates of school dropouts, poverty and illiteracy as school-age children skip class in pursuit of easy money. At the same time, poverty is the main driver behind child sex tourism, say experts. Some parents even urge their children to become involved.

Emily, a 16-year-old orphan, said she was forced into the business due to poverty and peer pressure. Her aunt encouraged her to engage in sex with white men to help pay family expenses. Emily is now infected with HIV.

“I have slept with different men, especially whites from Germany, Italy and the USA,” she said. “I regret it but I had no option [at] that time. I started the business at age 10, when a friend connected me to an Italian tourist who had visited the country for three months. I had nothing to eat and nowhere to sleep.”

Teenage boys and 20-something Kenyan men known as "beach boys" also hook up with older white women, usually Western tourists who have flown here specifically for sexual encounters.

Against a backdrop of dazzlingly white sand and the aquamarine sea at Jomo Kenyatta Public Beach, foreign women sip cocktails under bamboo shades. Young men approach them with compliments designed to break the ice.

“This is our work,” said Alex Mwalumba, a beach boy who said he’s 29 but looks much younger. “It’s very simple to lure a white woman. First, know the language she speaks. Secondly, tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. For the first time in years, she truly believes she is desirable.”

Mwalumba had few regrets.

“The money will begin to flow,” he said, referring to payments once a temporary relationship has begun. “Some [beach boys] have used the opportunity to build good houses and start businesses.”

But he warned that business sometimes can be risky.

“Some tourists end up either being robbed or murdered by beach boys in pursuit for money,” he noted. “Beach boys are not after love. They are after money. They sometime trick tourists to go to the room and rob them.”

Paul Adhoch, who heads child rights organization Trace Kenya, said prostitution has led to an increase in unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases among teenagers in Mombasa. It has also broken up families in the city, he said.

Trace Kenya is working to rescue girls from the sex trade and to end the practice in the Mombasa region. The NGO has rescued more than 10,000 children in the last seven years, putting them in shelters and making other arrangements for them to earn a living.

“We have rescued many children involved in sex tourism or those who were potentially likely to fall into it, more girls â€" for young men the number has been lower,” he said. “The police have done little to fight the vice. They have given tourists impunity despite having evidence against them.”

But Regional Police Chief Nelson Marwa says the government has done a lot to battle the practice, including warning tourists and parents against being involved in the business.

“We have put in place laws that will deal with such acts,” Marwa said. “Already we have arrested and charged parents, children and some tourists. We will also close all hotels that allow young girls and old tourists to check in together, and their licenses will be canceled.”

The real problem, Adhoch believes, is culture.

“There is a culture among parents and children that when you get yourself a white man, then you have gotten yourself out of poverty,” said Adhoch. “Tourists always take this advantage and will come here deliberately for that.”

But Sabina, who is still struggling to come to terms with her HIV-positive status, wants the government to do more to help girls in the local sex industry.

“The government should curb the practice by arresting tourists whose aim is to engage in sex with children and dump them afterward,” she said. “They are creating more poverty for young people here like me.”

Editor's note: The last names of children interviewed for this story have been withheld to protect their identities. Tonny Onyulo reported from Mombasa, Kenya.

"

| child | trade | booming | this | Kenyan | port | city | Inside | tiny | house outside | Mombasa | Indian | Ocean | coast | Kenya | year | Sabina | sits | breasts | exposed | back | p> < | div>With | effortless | click | girl | shoots | saliva | through | between | front | teeth | lands | floor | Then | begins | talk | shifts | toddler | from | bosom | p> “The | father | German | tourist | said | “He | impregnated | left | country | after | vacation | forced | drop | school | take | care | ”< | p> Sabina | among | many | children | coastal | region | have | become | mothers | young | other | girls | well | underage | boys | cater | women | them | p> And | market | booming: | Child | tourism | remained | rampant | despite | spate | terror | attacks | past | three | years | that | scared | away | package | vacationers | crippling | vital | sector | contributes | about | percent | Kenya’s | gross | domestic | product | p> European | travelers | especially | continued | fuel | Many | come | search | aged | industry | made | worlds | hubs | researchers | p> “We | always | believe | white | money | when | they | here | hope | will | poverty | “They | give | sleep | with | rent | parents | food | p> Trace | local | nonprofit group | works | United | Nations | battle | trafficking | estimates | there | could | workers | extends | down | seaside | resort | towns | Malindi | Diani | according | p> In | 2010 | report | most | recent | available | UNICEF | released | numbers | revealed | almost | third | younger | were | involved | prostitution | European | comprise | half | clients | p> Sex | been | blamed | increasing | rates | dropouts | illiteracy | skip | class | pursuit | easy | same | time | main | driver | behind | experts | Some | even | urge | their | p> Emily | orphan | into | business | peer | pressure | aunt | encouraged | engage | help | family | expenses | Emily | infected | p> “I | slept | different | whites | Germany | Italy | “I | regret | option | [at] | started | friend | connected | Italian | visited | months | nothing | nowhere | p> Teenage | something | known | beach | also | hook | older | usually | Western | tourists | flown | specifically | sexual | encounters | p> Against | backdrop | dazzlingly | sand | aquamarine | Jomo | Kenyatta | Public | Beach | foreign | cocktails | under | bamboo | shades | Young | approach | compliments | designed | break | p> “This | work | Alex | Mwalumba | he’s | looks | much | “It’s | very | simple | lure | woman | First | know | language | speaks | Secondly | tell | beautiful | ever | seen | first | truly | believes | desirable | p> Mwalumba | regrets | begin | flow | referring | payments | once | temporary | relationship | begun | “Some | [beach | boys] | used | opportunity | build | good | houses | start | businesses | p> But | warned | sometimes | risky | p> “Some | either | being | robbed | murdered | noted | “Beach | love | They | sometime | trick | room | p> Paul | Adhoch | heads | rights | organization | Trace | increase | unwanted | pregnancies | sexually | transmitted | diseases | teenagers | broken | families | working | rescue | practice | rescued | more | than | last | seven | putting | shelters | making | arrangements | earn | living | those | potentially | likely | fall | number | lower | “The | police | done | little | fight | vice | given | impunity | having | evidence | against | Regional | Police | Chief | Nelson | Marwa | says | government | including | warning | place | laws | deal | such | acts | “Already | arrested | charged | some | close | hotels | allow | check | together | licenses | canceled | p> The | real | problem | culture | p> “There | yourself | then | gotten | “Tourists | advantage | deliberately | still | struggling | terms | positive | status | wants | should | curb | arresting | whose | dump | afterward | creating | people | like | p> Editors | note: | names | interviewed | story | withheld | protect | identities | Tonny | Onyulo | reported | em>< | p> |

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Husband asks Mumsnet for advice on reviving his dwindling sex life

Who would you turn to if you were dissatisfied with your sex life?

One desperate husband asked Mumsnet for advice after he and his wife went from having sex twice a week to just once every six months after starting a family.

But some women were less than sympathetic towards the new father, who asked the mothers' forum how to broach the subject with his wife, with one telling him: 'You're not owed sex just because you want it.'

The man turned to Mumsnet for advice on broaching the subject of more sex with his wife

PseudoDad said he and his wife have only had sex five times since their son was conceived almost two-and-a-half years ago - they used to have sex twice a week

User PseudoDad wrote on the site: 'Since our son was conceived 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. 

'Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.'

He said he wanted to broach the subject in a way that respected his 'wonderful' wife of six years, and asked: 'When is enough enough?'

His post received hundreds of replies, with women suggesting he do more housework, consider counselling, or simply 'accept that she might just not be interested right now'.

User AndShes Gone told the man it sounded as though he wasn't listening to his wife

Mumsnet user monkeysox was the first to reply when she asked him whether he was doing enough housework.  

PseudoDad replied to insist he does his share, but another mum told him to 'accept that she might just not be interested right now and you have to grit your teeth until she feels she wants it again.

'You're not owed sex just because you want it,' said BravoPanda. 

Another wrote: 'You're not listening. Sex is an action between 2 people. It's not you "giving her a break" or "waiting" for a year. And your "charm offensive" sounds fake or worse manipulative.'

Things began to cool down when a woman told the father that she could tell he was asking a 'genuine' question and admitted she'd struggle in his situation too

Mumsnet user Boundaries said: 'You can decide the relationship isn't for you, but the way you're talking? I'm not surprised your wife is backing off.' 

But others had a more sympathetic response to his dilemma, with one user writing: 'I can tell you're asking a genuine question and you want this to work out well.'

Ilovetorrentialrain suggested he pursue counselling or sex therapy.  

IcecreamRocks then said that despite not having the answer, they understood how he felt 

Honeylulu agreed the man was getting a 'hard time', adding that 'sex is the glue that binds a relationship together. 

'That intimacy is a form of communication that will not (or should not) be present in any other relationships you have.'  

"

| Husband | asks | Mumsnet | advice | reviving | dwindling | life | would | turn | were | dissatisfied | with | your | p> One | desperate | husband | asked | Mumsnet for | after | wife | went | from | having | twice | week | just | once | every | months | starting | family | p> But | some | women | less | than | sympathetic | towards | father | mothers | forum | broach | subject | telling | him: | Youre | owed | because | want | p> < | p> < | noscript>< | div> The | turned | broaching | more | wife< | div> < | div> PseudoDad | said | have | only | five | times | since | their | conceived | almost | half | years | they | used | week< | div> User | PseudoDad | wrote | site< | Since | p> Prior | this | werent | like | rabbits | very | happy | p> < | div> He | wanted | that | respected | wonderful | asked: | When | enough | p> His | post | received | hundreds | replies | suggesting | housework | consider | counselling | simply | accept | might | interested | right | div> < | AndShes | Gone | told | sounded | though | wasnt | listening | div> Mumsnet | user | monkeysox | first | reply | when | whether | doing |   < | p> PseudoDad | replied | insist | does | share | another | grit | teeth | until | feels | wants | again | p> Youre | BravoPanda | p> Another | wrote: |  Sex | action | between | people | giving | break | waiting | year | charm | offensive | sounds | fake | worse | manipulative | div> Things | began | cool | down | woman | could | tell | asking | genuine | question | admitted | shed | struggle | situation | too< | Bounes | said: | decide | relationship | isnt | youre | talking | surprised | backing | p> But | others | response | dilemma | writing: I | work | well | p> Ilovetorrentialrain | suggested | pursue | therapy | div> IcecreamRocks | then | despite | answer | understood | felt < | div> Honeylulu | agreed | getting | hard | time | adding | glue | binds | together | p> That | intimacy | form | communication | will | should | not) | present | other | relationships | p> |

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Bad Sex in Fiction Awards ceremony celebrates 24th year

“It’s terribly British, isn’t it,” said the man next to me at last night’s Bad Sex in Fiction Awards ceremony at the (appropriately named) In and Out Club in St James’s. He was referring, of course, to the yearly bash â€" now in its 24th year â€" in which the Literary Review magazine nominates half a dozen passages from contemporary fiction seen to represent sex at its most cringeworthy, reads them out to champagne-infused guffaws, and then awards a prize to the author of the worst.

It is a terribly British event, but it also provides a snarky satisfaction that transcends nationality. Because for anyone with the sneaking suspicion that the sexual act is better done or seen than artistically described â€" that its complex idiosyncrasy is one of the few things that lie outside the remit of the otherwise resourceful English language â€" the Bad Sex Awards hits its mark.

Yet as the entrants this year make clear, writing about sex with flagrant abominableness is still cheerily far from going out of fashion. Hearty examples were a passage from Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis’s The Butcher’s Hook:

When his hand goes to my breasts, my feet are envious. I slide my hands down his back, all along his spine, rutted with bone like mud ridges in a dry field, to the audacious swell below.

“Audacious swell”? Quite.

Then there was the American Gayle Forman’s entry, from Leave Me:

They were in that room, Jason had slammed the door and devoured her with his mouth, his hands, which were everywhere. As if he were ravenous. And she remembered standing in front of him, her dress a puddle on the floor, and how she’d started to shake, her knees knocking together, like she was a virgin, like this was the first time.

Erri de Luca.
Claudio Onorati/EPA

But the gong went to the Italian poet and translator Erri De Luca for The Day Before Happiness (de Luca understandably wasn’t present). “My prick was a plank stuck to her stomach,” the Neapolitan was justly rebuked for writing:

With a swerve of her hips, she turned me over and I was on top of her … I was her plaything, which she moved around. Our sexes were ready, poised in expectation, barely touching each other: ballet dancers hovering en pointe.

Not everyone felt this deserved the award â€" as an American woman nearby remarked to me, this could clearly be read as satire, plain and simple. Perhaps, but satire doesn’t necessarily get you home dry, especially when it’s ambiguous. After all, the book, a coming of age story, is not particularly comic in the way that, for instance, the early sex-mad tomes of Philip Roth and Martin Amis were.

In fact, the awards were conceived not to discourage writing about sex, but to discourage writing about sex badly. The wording of the original mission statement in 1993 by Auberon Waugh, then editor of the Literary Review, is revealing: the bash was to “draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction”.

It would be helpful to have some guidance on what non-redundant, good sex writing looks like, since it’s not entirely clear whether it can exist in a literary form at all. After all, the most sexually charged novels of the last 100 or so years use the rule of thumb that the act is unmentionable, boring, or best only suggested.

The novels of Dickens, Eliot and Trollope are full of sexual yearning, and their emotional and erotic pull are none the worse for the veiled references to kissing and love. Even in 20th century novels with subject matter devoted to romantic entanglements, the sexual act is not necessarily spelled out or even mentioned â€" Iris Murdoch doesn’t go further than “making love” as an account of the nocturnal activities of her highly sexually charged couple Dora and Paul in The Bell (1958).

And while Margaret Drabble’s super-sexy characters Clara and Gabriel get pretty steamy in Jerusalem the Golden, nothing beyond the fact is spelled out. It’s a blessed relief which does nothing to diminish the profoundly saucy atmosphere of the book.

The awards are also a humorous reminder not just of the imaginative power but also of the literary value of discipline and restraint in matters of bonking. A recent book about prime minster Herbert Asquith’s passionate attachment to Venetia Stanley tells of his thousands of letters to her, all passionately headed with variants of “my own darling” and “darlingest”.

Asquith’s desperate fixation with Stanley pours out from every page, but had he indulged in anything more sexually explicit than the desire to “go for a little drive, or will you come to Downing St & have a talk”, it would hardly have helped, and probably only hindered, the accumulated intensity of his fixation. Voluble lusters: take note.

Zoe Strimpel, PhD Candidate, University of Sussex

"

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Hundreds of police in England and Wales accused of sexual abuse | UK news

Hundreds of police officers are being accused of sexually abusing victims and suspects in what a senior police watchdog has called “the most serious corruption issue facing the service”.

Forces across England and Wales received 436 allegations of abuse of power for sexual gain against 306 police officers, 20 police community support officers and eight staff in the two years to March but inspectors believe the problem is even more prevalent than the numbers suggest.

Despite the large numbers, there is evidence that only 40 officers or staff have been dismissed for abusing authority for sexual gain in a similar period.

Vulnerable individuals, including domestic abuse victims, alcohol and drug addicts, sex workers and arrested suspects were among those targeted by officers and staff, Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) said.

Victim groups have said the findings are “deeply concerning” and involved some of the most vulnerable people in society.

Mike Cunningham, inspector of constabulary and former chief constable of Staffordshire police, said: “This is the most serious corruption issue facing the service. What can be worse than a guardian abusing the trust and confidence of an abused person? There can be no greater violation of public trust.”

“It is probably more likely the problem is more serious than the numbers reported back to us,” he added.

“In many cases the victims are vulnerable people. They are victims of domestic abuse, they’re victims who might have been arrested and they have drug or alcohol dependency. It is an exploitation of power where the guardian becomes the abuser.”

One of the most high-profile cases of police officers abusing their power in recent history was that of Stephen Mitchell, who was jailed for life in 2011 for raping and sexually assaulting vulnerable women he had arrested.

Mitchell, who was a constable with Northumbria police, abused heroin addicts, shoplifters and a disabled teenager by offering them help while in custody, then demanding sexual favours afterwards.

Earlier this year, DS Robert Dawson, a Metropolitan police officer who had sex with a vulnerable alleged rape victim, was formally dismissed from the force. A tribunal heard that in 2010, while investigating an allegation of serious sexual assault, Dawson engaged in an inappropriate sexual relationship with the victim.

PC Simon Salway, who had sex with vulnerable witnesses and victims of crime, and fathered a child with one of the women he exploited, was found guilty of six charges of misconduct in a public office at Luton crown court last year.

HMIC found that more than a third (39%) of the allegations of abuse of authority for sexual gain involved victims of domestic abuse. As part of its research the inspectorate carried out an online survey of domestic abuse practitioners between July and August. Sixty-eight practitioners (16%) of the 414 who took part said victims of domestic abuse had disclosed that an officer or member of police staff had abused their authority to exploit them or develop an inappropriate relationship with them.

The chief executive of the domestic violence charity Refuge, Sandra Horley, said: “Widespread reports of police officers exploiting women for sexual gain … are horrific â€" but unsurprising.

“Refuge is glad HMIC’s report has shone a light on this issue, following a consultation with domestic violence practitioners including our frontline staff. The police are meant to protect the public from harm; how can women be expected to report their abuse, if they fear the police will abuse them all over again? Women have the right to safety and protection.

“Refuge commends the work HMIC has already done in improving the police response to domestic violence; we hope this report will mean an end to what is an appalling abuse of power.”

Mark Castle, chief executive of the independent charity Victim Support, said: “These allegations are deeply concerning. The victims involved are some of the most vulnerable people in our society, who have been exploited by the people they should be able to trust the most, the police.

“In order to maintain public confidence in the police it’s critical that forces recognise this behaviour as the serious corruption that it is and report all cases to the IPCC to ensure that they are thoroughly and robustly investigated.”

The HMIC findings formed part of a broader inspection of police legitimacy, which concluded victims’ satisfaction with the way they were treated by police remained high. The investigation was ordered by the then home secretary, Theresa May.

But the inspectorate said forces still needed to become more proactive in rooting out officers and staff abusing power for sexual gain. This could involve profiling officers to single out those who might be likely to commit such abuse.

Cunningham said one of the reasons the inspectorate believed the figures belied a greater problem was that forces in England and Wales did not have a consistent and coherent approach to tackling the problem.

Not all forces class the abuse of authority for sexual gain as a serious corruption issue, which HMIC says they should. This would mean any allegation would be automatically referred to the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) for investigation.

HMIC was only able to find 40 cases on the national disapproved register in which officers or staff were dismissed for abusing power for sexual gain during the period in which more than 400 allegations were received.

“What’s less clear is what’s happening with those allegations, how those allegations are being pursued, how they translate into gross misconduct hearings and sackings,” Cunningham said.

HMIC said the problem remained despite recommendations in a 2012 IPCC report on the issue, which appear to have not been acted on.

In her speech to the Police Federation conference earlier this year, May said: “We know of officers who develop inappropriate relationships with victims of domestic abuse. They have ignored their professional duty and their moral responsibility, and instead abused their position of power to exploit victims. We do not know the true scale of this, but everyone in this room will know it goes on far more than we might care to admit.”

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